Gone are the days...

Gone are the days when my sweet baby would fall asleep in my arms and I had the uninterrupted opportunity to sit and hold him, snuggle him, caress his sweet head, whisper that I love him for hours upon end. Ever since Braden was born, I have spent many a day in his rocking chair...rocking him, reading to him and soothing him while he snuggled so tightly in my arms, drifting off to sleep. In those moments (usually at night instead of naps) that he would fall asleep in my arms, I would hold him close, stare at him, pray endlessly over him, speak words like "I'm proud of you," "You are special," "You can be anything you want to be," "God loves you and Jesus died for you" over his life. I would ponder what his future held, what his personality would be like, if I had taught him enough, if I had done enough to foster an environment of love for him. I would wonder if he knew how much I loved him, how many tears I had shed over him, how often I worried about him, how many times we had prayed for him. And on those days that I was blessed enough to have him sleep in my arms, oftentimes I would close my eyes for just a few minutes and enjoy those moments. But too often, I would stop rocking after 10 minutes and put him in his crib b/c I had so much to do and I felt rushed by the craziness of life. And that is where the guilt sets in...because gone are those days.

Those of you that know me also know that I have been a bit obsessed about Braden's sleep since he was born (mainly because I knew he and I both needed that break). I've read all of those books "The Baby Whisperer" "The Sleep Lady" "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child" and checked out numerous websites and chat rooms on the subject of sleep. I have always required A LOT of sleep and I guess that's why I was so obsessed b/c I knew if Braden didn't sleep then neither did I...so from the wise words of Dr. Weissbluth, I started focusing on the phrase "tired but awake." Mainly at naps did we work on this, but in my mind there was a constant battle of "I want to hold my baby and rock him to sleep in my arms" vs. "put him in the crib tired but awake so that he knows how to fall asleep on his own." And I have to say, each day was different, some days I would rock him to sleep, just because I could or because after a frustrating day of fussiness I would need that bonding time and some days I would put him in the crib "tired but awake" only for him to drift off to sleep on his own. And over the past few months I have to say, Braden has caught on marvelously to the "tired but awake" phrase. And although I am so proud of him for developing good sleep habits and feel fortunate to have a baby who will peacefully drift off to sleep (most days) and sleeps 10 hours straight at night w/o needing me even during sickness, teething, etc., I am saddened to realize that gone are the days when I could hold my sweet baby till he falls asleep in my arms.

He is becoming independent. Isn't that what I've been trying to foster in him since the day he was born? But somehow, now that he can fall asleep on his own, I find myself missing those moments when he was in my arms. This morning he layed peacefully in my arms and listened to a story before naptime, but as he became more tired, he started squirming and I tried to hold him close and rock him and I realized that all he wanted was to be put in the crib so he could go to sleep. On those rare days, which God blesses me with every so often when he'll fall asleep in my arms, I sit back, close my eyes, often tear-up, and hold tightly this precious gift God gave me. I find myself so thankful for the gift of being a mother, for the opportunity to hear my baby's breath in my ear, feel his eyelashes on my cheek and it's in those moments that I wish I could freeze time because sweet Brady you are growing up way too fast.